FOMO and Envy
FOMO and Envy
How do we handle feeling like we're missing out?
How often have you seen book friends of yours online doing something fabulous and felt a pang of envy? They’re at an event you wish you’d been invited to or they’ve gone to a conference that you couldn’t attend. We’ve both been there. This week we’re discussing how it feels when FOMO or envy strikes and what we do about it.
What is FOMO anyway?
noun informal US /ˈfoʊ.moʊ/ UK /ˈfəʊ.məʊ/ abbreviation for "fear of missing out": a worried feeling that you may miss exciting events that other people are going to, especially caused by things you see on social media. From the Cambridge English Dictionary.
The term first came about in 2004* and specifically refers to social media sites. When we see other people posting online about having a good time at something we’re not attending or invited to, it can lead to negative feelings.
How has FOMO affected us?
Vicky: I have FOMO all the time. ALL THE TIME. It probably drives me to do a lot of the things I do. It’s mostly about events that I want to be invited to, or even that I do get invited to… I want to do all of them!
Christine: Any time I see photos online of author friends at a conference or some other fun event I get FOMO. Even if I was invited and couldn’t make it for some reason (because, life happens and I can’t attend every single event!) I feel it to some degree. I felt major FOMO about last year’s NCTE and I fully expect to feel it again for this year’s in Boston as Vicky is going again and I’m not!
What do we do when FOMO strikes?
Vicky: I end up trying to do all the things I have FOMO about (if I can get an invite) and then I’m completely overwhelmed and overextended! I am trying to be better at this. I don’t have to go to EVERY event, whether it be a book fair or an author gathering or a festival. Or do I??? I’m still not good at managing this. I think the thing that helps me most at turning things down is prioritizing time with my family. I try to make sure I have quality time to go on outings with them on the weekends or take a mini trip.
Christine: I try to think about my reasons for not being at an event. In the case of the upcoming NCTE, I don’t have any current books to promote, I would be entirely self-funding the trip, and while it would be nice to hang out with lots of wonderful book people for the weekend, it just doesn’t make sense to fly to the other side of the country to do that. ALA was an easy yes for me since it was just down the coast in San Diego, my publisher lined up a wonderful signing, plus I got to see lots of friends. NCTE is ultimately an easy no against that criteria. That doesn’t mean I won’t feel like I’m missing out when I see all the photos in November!
Vicky: Right, ALA. Couldn’t make it. Had FOMO.
Envy vs FOMO
envy verb US /ˈen.vi/ UK /ˈen.vi/ to wish that you had something that another person has. From the Cambridge English Dictionary.
Envy is usually directed towards people we compare ourselves with or we feel in competition with. And just like with FOMO, social media can fan the flames of envy.
How has envy affected us?
Vicky: I get envious of things like giant book deals or awards or extravagant book tours. At the same time, I like hearing about these things because it’s good to know that they’re possible! So I suppose my envy is often mixed with excitement or aspiration. I think I am also sometimes envious of people who seem more comfortable or confident than I am—but I appreciate that the kidlit world is such a kind place overall.
Christine: Envy is a natural, human, feeling and just like with FOMO, the fact that everything is publicized on social media means we’re going to see news that we will envy. I for sure feel it when I see some of the exciting, glamorous things that are happening to people like the book tours, big awards, etc.
And what can we do about envy?
Vicky: I think I have become more confident as I get older, meaning that I feel fairly realistic about where I am and how I can improve. So I think I use my envy to form goals for myself—but I try to make them attainable, not punishing or unrealistic.
Christine: This graphic from
comes to mind when I think about envy:
Her blog post about it has loads of amazing tips from creators on what they do when envy comes knocking. For me, I know that the amount of time I spend online can make me feel more of those envious feelings so it’s good to step away when that happens. But conversely, I want to celebrate other people’s good news so I like to share that news on social media!
Two things can be true: you can be happy for someone’s success and envious of it. Maybe the key is what you do with that feeling. Like Vicky said, is it something you can turn into a goal? What steps do you could you take to be able to shoot for that same milestone? It’s not a realistic goal to say “I will write a bestselling book,” as that’s out of our control. But maybe it is realistic so have a goal to study bestselling mentor texts in your genre or category in order to improve your craft.
Any final thoughts?
Vicky: I think every creative feels FOMO or envy at times. But I think that means you have aspirations, which is a good thing! I think it can also help to talk to your friends and colleagues about it, because it’s probably a shared sentiment.
Christine: I think that no matter where you are on the publishing rollercoaster, you will feel FOMO and envy from time to time. It’s a normal part of humaning. Our jobs mean that our colleagues publish their successes online day in, day out. It comes with the territory. But I remember, just as I said in this post about publishing lows, that we only see people’s highlights on social media. They might be on book tour, giving a keynote, or attending a fancy conference but we don’t know about the stinging rejection they just got, the deadline they missed, or the revision that they just can’t get right. And, like Vicky said, talking about it is definitely a way of working through the feelings.
Vicky: Earlier, I also thought you were going to show this other comic from Debbie:
I think there’s truth here too—no matter what stage you’re in, there will always be things you wish you had! So try to enjoy each stage for what it offers.
Christine: Oh yes, that one is so true too! There’s always someone looking at what you’re doing and thinking how good you have it and envying it.
Over to you, do you feel envy and FOMO? What do you do about it?
* According to this study from 2021.
So relatable—thank you for sharing this! These are great tips.
Very relatable. I’m a victim of FOMO a lot more since I live in Pakistan. My dream is to travel to The Highlights Foundation for a retreat. And I totally agree that stepping away from social media is necessary when the negative thoughts cloud your vision. Love how candid (and hence relatable) this post was